Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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