just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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