Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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