I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
