I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
