She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
