Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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