I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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