and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
