and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
