just come out here and I will go home with you...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
