I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
