Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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