So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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