Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
