I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
