He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
