I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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