Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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