Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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