I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
