i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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