PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
