Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
