yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
