my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
