the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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