I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
