you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
