Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
