if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
