She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
