I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
