i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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