you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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