I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
