my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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