Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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