I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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