Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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