A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They took my balls.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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