I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
