is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
