I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
