shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
