so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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