Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize