If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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