He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
