What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
