i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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