I cannot find my penis.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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