i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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